schoolsickness

Every time I go away from home I expect to get a bit homesick. I miss Andy, my kitchen, my bed, my bathroom, the comforts, the Tivo, Coolidge Corner, my gym, etc. The thing I was most nervous about this time was missing my school. While I do feel some longing for home and Andy, the thing that can bring a tear to my eyes in an instant right now is thinking about HC having orientation, all the new students who I won't meet until December, the shabbaton, the elul term, the teachers, my classmates.

It began on Thursday when we used Pardes's video-conferencing to talk to our class back home. They were eating breakfast. Oh--and apparently there is a new caterer who is amazing and makes eggs and hashbrowns! no fair! Anyway, there was something about seeing the 6 people back home sitting in the classroom all together and not being there that really got me. They were telling us about their schedule and just trying to find a time to have another video-conference with them reinforced just how different our experiences are going to be this semester.

I am sad to feel like I am missing out on something really amazing even though I am in Israel supposed to be having all of these great experiences. The summer was awesome, but my transition to Jerusalem has been difficult. It feels meaningless and pointless. As I sit in Cafe Hillel using their free wifi to write this blog post, I can't help but think that it isn't any different that sitting at JP Licks in Brookline--except that the menu is in Hebrew. The people around me are mostly speaking English. I just ordered a hot chocolate--okay, they made it Israeli style by melting actual chocolate in milk, but other than that, not so different.

I feel like everything hinges on the learning here. I don't have the community I want, I don't have my boyfriend, I don't have my usual comforts, but if the learning is great than it will be worth it. Still, I am worried that the learning at HC is just as good (if not better) and that there really is no point to me being here. I need to find something redemptive. I also worry that when I get back it won't feel like my school anymore with all of the new students and the collective experience of the coming semester.

As I read through the orientation materials, I couldn't help feeling like I would rather be studying with Jane and Jonah and Ebn and Or and Sharon and Allan and Natan and Dan and working on the tefilah committee and planning community time. I was really involved in a lot of the planning of orientation and shabbatonim in the past and now it feels like it is all going on without me. It is. And it sounds even better than the previous years. One thing I can say that I'm looking forward to is getting back and enjoying watching new people step into leadership roles and getting to enjoy the fruits of their labors. I just hope that my time in Israel has its rewards too.