I'm off to Israel again

In about 18 days I'll be heading to Israel again. This time the plan is to stay for 5 months. So, I thought I'd renew my blogging as a means of communicating some of my experiences with my dearest, although not nearest. Here are some initial thoughts to get the ball rolling:

How I started packing

If only the creativity and sheer power of will that went into today’s terrorist attack in Israel could be harnessed and used for good. An Arab Israeli, or perhaps a Palestinian, the reporters either do not know his status or cannot differentiate between the two—drove a tractor into oncoming traffic on Derech Yafo in Jerusalem. Ironically, or perhaps just coincidentally, a similar incident happened a few weeks ago just a block away from where I live in Brookline--only it wasn’t a terrorist attack, just a freak accident. Or at least that was the assumption. Whereas in Israel the assumption was that the perpetrator who “deliberately,” according to multiple news sources, drove his tractor into oncoming traffic shouting allah hu akbar, God is great, intended his actions to strike fear in the hearts and minds of the Jewish citizens of the city. I don’t know what to make of some of the disturbing footage I saw. As usual, I am craving more factual information, finding most of it filtered through some pretty thick lenses and at the same time not wanting to even deal with that part of my reaction. Of course, whether it was indeed an act intended to create terror, I am filled with dread picturing myself there in a few weeks, never knowing if someone might decide to “instill fear” at my expense.

Another coincidence: last night I could not sleep. Probably because I drank 5 cups of Pu-Ehr tea earlier that day, but it also meant my anxieties were running high. Flipping channels I came across a Christian network that I have seen before. Their entire show consists of fundraising for Israel and talking about their support of Israel as the Jewish homeland. They use interesting means of getting their message across. At one point they had on an Israeli man who was actually pretty moderate, but they kept trying to get him to say how important it is not to give up any of the land in exchange for peace. Then they had a segment on terrorism. They showed bloody scenes of suicide bombings and an interview with a young woman who had lived through one. She described her experience in unnecessarily gruesome detail. When she began talking about reaching up and feeling something wet on her neck and realizing it was blood I had to change the channel. I’ve been having enough nightmares about terrorist attacks in Israel as is.

Sometimes when I’m very angry with someone I love very much, I feel like I’m physically being pulled in two directions. Half of me wants to run out the door screaming, “I hate you and never want to be around you again” and the other half of me wants to run up to the person and hug them for a very long time. Often, hugging someone I love for a long time when I’m very angry will eventually cause the anger to dissipate. Similarly, when I hear about a terrorist attack in Israel I feel so scared that I want to stay as far away as possible forever and at the same time I feel especially drawn to it, as if I can just give Jerusalem a long hug and then feel less afraid. It is true that when I am there the fear takes on a different form. Rather than feeling overtly anxious and scared, I walk through the streets of Jerusalem feeling nervousness mixed with a sense of resolve. I say to myself: I’m here and there is nothing I can do to guarantee my safety so I am going to just live as if everything is normal. And for the most part it feels normal.

So today, after my initial feelings of anger about what happened and how it was being reported and worries about my own safety, I longed for that reconnection. I read through the packing checklist in my Year in Israel handbook, made my own packing list and highlighted things I need to buy using the Microsoft Word highlight feature. I imagined myself there and thought about what I might need. I began, in other words, to mentally connect. Despite my reservations, I renewed my commitment to going to Israel. Hug. I do feel a little less scared.